Well, to write wasn't my thing in 2020, especially on a blog, but I want to make a recap. Here are some memories that I want to remember and to share.
All I want is Home
It's been a while since the last time I played with watercolor, it still amazes me how the color showed is mostly unpredictable, based on the pressure you give to the brush, and somehow relaxing. When I felt burnout from work, I took my brush and painted just whatever I feel. Most of them were abstract, when I didn't have much time, I just took a pen and doodle. The painting you see here is the special one. I don't have a photo of my Mom, but she's still the Home for me, I pictured her as my Home. A little house in the middle of the woods, nurture and care.
...but I want myself to be Home. I'm on my journey, a rough one, and hopefully, I can make myself a Home, a Home Sweet Home.
The Real Flower
Bila sepi datang, dengarlah hati
Begitu cepat memburu waktu
Sampai kulupa waktu mati
Kuabaikan semua perintah-Mu
Kuhela dunia, kini sepi telah datang
Aku sendiri di kubur-Mu, berkafan dosa
Sepi, berlumur dosa, berbara api neraka-Mu
In 2020, my dad passed away in my birth month, early June to be exact, and I didn't speak to him for about 8 months until he's not here anymore. It was shocking, though I didn't regret it, he made me realize something important. He left with a smile on his face, he radiated gleam and glow, he even sweats just like he's alive. He didn't look dead. The funeral goes smoothly, it was destined to be like that, when he finally met God. No matter how evil someone to you, you never know what's their relationship is like with God, and as a human, we are not the judge.
Untuk apa ada saling salah, untuk apa ada rasa sesal
Hidup memang harus hidup
Mati memang harus mati
Entah masuk surga, entah masuk neraka
Semua amal baik, semua amal buruk
Yang tahu hanya Tuhan
Talk to Somebody, even Your Therapist
I started to stop my medications, based on my own will, in early November, and that's not the right thing to do, because the last time I met my psychiatrist was in August, and I still have to continue my medications. It's because I want to count on myself, not the pills, but I realized, to take my pills, it means I count on myself if you know what I mean. I took just when I needed and when the relapse came, then yesterday I took my sleeping pill to have a much needed 10 hours sleep. It's still me and my dumb mindset, but I survived 2020, and that's should be enough.
Loneliness kills, so talk to somebody. Look for other people and talk. You don't have to talk about your problem, a simple hello and a talk about your favorite movies should be just as good. So, talk.
Bestfriends
My closest friends, supportive, and always there. Thank you for hanging on with me, Icha and Farhah, let's rock 2021! I don't have words for you guys, but I'm super grateful for your presence in my life, and I don't wanna lose you. Count me in your life, that's what friends are for.
BTS
Never thought that I'd be caught in a snare of K-Pop, but Bangtan did save me from the darkness. Their music, the meaning behind every lyric, their friendship, also their hardship. They inspired me and makes me feel alive as a young adult. Jin, Suga, RM, J-Hope, Jimin, V, and Jungkook, you're all the lighthouse of my ocean.
Like an echo in the forest
The day will come back around
As if nothing happened
Yeah, life goes on
Bring it on, 2021!