Been a while since my last post and here I am. I don't know if I was in a stable condition or not, but today, I feel okay. How are you? How's the quarantine so far? As for me, I'm actually enjoying this new normal. Sleeping for 20 hours, baking a lot of cookies, and being lonely. Maybe our normal wasn't normal enough, I guess??? Probably after the pandemic is over, I'll miss my current routine, to stay home and alone, I cherish the moment when I don't have to meet people. Kinda love this introversion vibe.
So, yeah, I've sold cookies since early April this year. Nope, I didn't see it coming, never before. I quit my last job, I even only survived there for two months. It wasn't an emotional decision, I was very convinced. Though, I have to live. I want to eat great food and I got $ 200 expense per month for my medications. I can't be broke, whatsoever, so I try to be an entrepreneur. Well, a small business that is enough to fulfill my needs, just not my wants. Ugh, sometimes I want to try new skincare, buy some pints of gelatos, get a new pair of pajama, but nope, not now.
Turned out, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My friends, my uncle, and some strangers are my customers, some of them even repeat order and it makes me the happiest person on earth. I love a loyal person! It will last for at least a day, yeah, at least I feel happy even just for a while. I wanna quoted my caption on one of my Instagram posts that you can check out here, about failing, about how desperate I was, about what I learned these past two months.
As an amateur baker, I worry about how my cookies will turn out, the look, the taste, the texture, everything, every damn time. Sometimes, I worry too much.
I never change the recipe, I stick with the same old recipe, even when some people said that it’s too sweet for their liking, I don’t want to make any difference with the texture. I take my cookies seriously like it’s my baby. It is my own baby.
Last week the drama was intense, I thought that was the worst scenario. Some of my cookies turned out flat, I changed my oven, I even tried to use another type of tools. In the end, I made it to the weekend, still, it was bad..., but guess, I was wrong. Today was a nightmare.
In the morning, my cookies came out as chubby as my cheek. If I put ‘em in the oven a little bit longer, they went slightly burnt underneath. I’m totally clueless, also a little hopeless and helpless. Of course, I cried. Thank you Atid for recording the bad deed during my fasting today..., and maybe in this whole week.
Yes, I’m tired, I rant. It’s very overwhelming and I feel like I got too much on my plate. Maybe the Almighty somewhere laughing, “Yo, you weak?” I wanna scream, “Of course, I am!!!”, while singing I Know Alone by HAIM,
‘Cause nights turn into days
That turn to grey
Keep turning over
Some things never grow
I know alone like no one else does
I’ve done my research, on the internet, from my neighbor (who’s a baker), from my auntie, a thousand trials and errors. I tried to figure out, what’s wrong, what should I do, still..., I’m the dumbest of the dumber dumb.
After a day full of storms and heavy rains, I made it through today. Well, it’s true that I need a little rainstorm (I said a little, God, please listen) to make a rainbow. I’m not that alone after all, I have Ebo and fully supported by my BEST friends.
Thank you, Gendis, for hanging on, for another day, for another failure. You failed so many times, but you’re here now. I cherish the struggle and I hope you can always keep the spirit of trying and doing the best within you.
I try to love me, each day, every day. I love me a little now, maybe a lot more tomorrow.
I never change the recipe, I stick with the same old recipe, even when some people said that it’s too sweet for their liking, I don’t want to make any difference with the texture. I take my cookies seriously like it’s my baby. It is my own baby.
Last week the drama was intense, I thought that was the worst scenario. Some of my cookies turned out flat, I changed my oven, I even tried to use another type of tools. In the end, I made it to the weekend, still, it was bad..., but guess, I was wrong. Today was a nightmare.
In the morning, my cookies came out as chubby as my cheek. If I put ‘em in the oven a little bit longer, they went slightly burnt underneath. I’m totally clueless, also a little hopeless and helpless. Of course, I cried. Thank you Atid for recording the bad deed during my fasting today..., and maybe in this whole week.
Yes, I’m tired, I rant. It’s very overwhelming and I feel like I got too much on my plate. Maybe the Almighty somewhere laughing, “Yo, you weak?” I wanna scream, “Of course, I am!!!”, while singing I Know Alone by HAIM,
‘Cause nights turn into days
That turn to grey
Keep turning over
Some things never grow
I know alone like no one else does
I’ve done my research, on the internet, from my neighbor (who’s a baker), from my auntie, a thousand trials and errors. I tried to figure out, what’s wrong, what should I do, still..., I’m the dumbest of the dumber dumb.
After a day full of storms and heavy rains, I made it through today. Well, it’s true that I need a little rainstorm (I said a little, God, please listen) to make a rainbow. I’m not that alone after all, I have Ebo and fully supported by my BEST friends.
Thank you, Gendis, for hanging on, for another day, for another failure. You failed so many times, but you’re here now. I cherish the struggle and I hope you can always keep the spirit of trying and doing the best within you.
I try to love me, each day, every day. I love me a little now, maybe a lot more tomorrow.
Damn it's hard to acknowledge my own feelings, moreover when it's full of insecurities and it seems like I doubt almost everything that had happened or will be happened. Have you ever felt that way too? Or am I the only weirdo here? And the depression and anxiety within me, damn man, they hit me hard, like SUPER HARD. It's like a total blankness, but you feel some kind of a weird sensation all over your body, especially when there's someone typing in a chat room and giving me a review about how was my cookies. Some like it, some others don't, but dang (again), I can't face it with calmness. I've talked about this to my therapist, that I can't even think when I relapse, how to clear your mind when everything is chaos? I totally don't get it, but I TRY TO, still, I haven't mastered it.
Anyways, even though I kinda love being a lone wolf, I really miss talking to someone, not a phone call or chat, but face to face. It might be real talk, or else, or maybe just talking shits, but you know, like what was your dream last night or have you tried to kiss a tree, or are you a runner or a slow walker. I don't know, I just miss having someone to talk to and I wanna see her/ him in the eyes, connecting and communicating. That's what. Yup, real human interaction. Actually, I hate to type a lot like this, I prefer to write it down on a letter and maybe send it to my Romeo (or not), but who cares about letter nowadays, anyway? No one.
Ok, enough ranting. Hope to catch up with you soon, whoever you are, whenever and wherever! Stay healthy and stay sane! Peace out.