Little Things

The more I live this life, the more I realize...

It's the ongoing Korean drama,

it's the weekend baking agenda,

it's the funny Tiktok videos,

it's the thought of loved ones,

it's the silly WhatsApp stickers,

it's the instant noodle at midnight,

it's the conversations between two neighbors,

it's the wildflowers down the road,

it's the simple little things.

That makes tomorrow possible.

We will be happy, and sad, then happy, and sad again, but...

There's always a tomorrow.

It's always great to have something to look forward to.

Ngobrol

Apa yang membuatmu bertahan sampai hari ini?

Kalau aku sih, dipikir-pikir, hebat juga masih ada di sini sekarang, bernapas di atas kasur yang, walau sudah reyot, nyaman. Kadang suka luput dalam daftar hal-hal yang membuatku bahagia, sejuknya AC, sepatu jelly, daster bolong-bolong nan adem, itulah yang bikin aku bisa melewati mimpi buruk di tahun 2020. Mungkin kalau mereka gak ada, ya, aku bakal misuh-misuh terus.

Mulai dari pandemi (Oh, whatever Coronavirus!), Ayah yang sudah pulang, sampai setahun perjalanan ditemani dr. Leo yang ternyata baru permulaan. Tahun 2020 gak main-main, selalu ada-ada saja. Namun, benar bahwa semua hal itu netral, tinggal bagaimana kita menjalani dan mengamati secara berkesadaran. Apa-apa yang terjadi merupakan spektrum, entah condong ke mana, kita (sebenarnya) peka.

Duh, dan sebulan terakhir, otakku sering kali membohongi diriku sendiri, bahkan berhalusinasi. Susah banget buat bangun dari tidur dan mandi pagi, merasa gak perform saat kerja, emotional eating, dan kayak gak punya siapa-siapa. Ya, memang sih ini perjuanganku sendiri, tapi coba deh baca argumen ini, aku sih setuju, kesehatan mental = kesehatan fisik, melekat dan terkait, satu kesatuan, tak terpisahkan.

Hampir memasuki bulan kelima di tahun 2021, kadang aku merasa gini-gini saja, tapi kadang merasa aku banyak berubah. Aku juga sedang merasa gak butuh-butuh amat untuk punya social media pribadi, kalau memang lagi pengen sharing makanan yang aku suka, ngomongin tentang hal-hal yang bikin aku senang, atau ranting soal hidup, ya gapapa untuk aktif lagi, tapi gak setiap saat. Walaupun pekerjaanku masih di bidang social media sejak tahun 2017, tidak aktif di social media pribadi gak membuatku ketinggalan zaman dalam hal pekerjaan. Jadi, nothing to lose, lah.

Dah, gitu saja sih.

Salam perut salmon ginuk-ginuk di semangkuk Torched-nya Honu.

A much needed 1 at the end of 202: for 2021!

Well, to write wasn't my thing in 2020, especially on a blog, but I want to make a recap. Here are some memories that I want to remember and to share.

All I want is Home

Emotional painting, 18 October 2020

It's been a while since the last time I played with watercolor, it still amazes me how the color showed is mostly unpredictable, based on the pressure you give to the brush, and somehow relaxing. When I felt burnout from work, I took my brush and painted just whatever I feel. Most of them were abstract, when I didn't have much time, I just took a pen and doodle. The painting you see here is the special one. I don't have a photo of my Mom, but she's still the Home for me, I pictured her as my Home. A little house in the middle of the woods, nurture and care.

...but I want myself to be Home. I'm on my journey, a rough one, and hopefully, I can make myself a Home, a Home Sweet Home.

The Real Flower

Wildflowers and dried leaves around his cemetery

Bila sepi datang, dengarlah hati
Begitu cepat memburu waktu
Sampai kulupa waktu mati
Kuabaikan semua perintah-Mu
Kuhela dunia, kini sepi telah datang
Aku sendiri di kubur-Mu, berkafan dosa
Sepi, berlumur dosa, berbara api neraka-Mu

In 2020, my dad passed away in my birth month, early June to be exact, and I didn't speak to him for about 8 months until he's not here anymore. It was shocking, though I didn't regret it, he made me realize something important. He left with a smile on his face, he radiated gleam and glow, he even sweats just like he's alive. He didn't look dead. The funeral goes smoothly, it was destined to be like that, when he finally met God. No matter how evil someone to you, you never know what's their relationship is like with God, and as a human, we are not the judge.

Untuk apa ada saling salah, untuk apa ada rasa sesal
Hidup memang harus hidup
Mati memang harus mati
Entah masuk surga, entah masuk neraka
Semua amal baik, semua amal buruk
Yang tahu hanya Tuhan

Talk to Somebody, even Your Therapist

dr. Leo, 31 August 2020

I started to stop my medications, based on my own will, in early November, and that's not the right thing to do, because the last time I met my psychiatrist was in August, and I still have to continue my medications. It's because I want to count on myself, not the pills, but I realized, to take my pills, it means I count on myself if you know what I mean. I took just when I needed and when the relapse came, then yesterday I took my sleeping pill to have a much needed 10 hours sleep. It's still me and my dumb mindset, but I survived 2020, and that's should be enough.

Loneliness kills, so talk to somebody. Look for other people and talk. You don't have to talk about your problem, a simple hello and a talk about your favorite movies should be just as good. So, talk.

Bestfriends

Left to right: Farhah, me, Icha

My closest friends, supportive, and always there. Thank you for hanging on with me, Icha and Farhah, let's rock 2021! I don't have words for you guys, but I'm super grateful for your presence in my life, and I don't wanna lose you. Count me in your life, that's what friends are for.

BTS

BTS for Esquire

Never thought that I'd be caught in a snare of K-Pop, but Bangtan did save me from the darkness. Their music, the meaning behind every lyric, their friendship, also their hardship. They inspired me and makes me feel alive as a young adult. Jin, Suga, RM, J-Hope, Jimin, V, and Jungkook, you're all the lighthouse of my ocean.

Like an echo in the forest
The day will come back around
As if nothing happened
Yeah, life goes on

Bring it on, 2021!

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A Philosophical Cookie?

Hey y'all! Wassup?

Been a while since my last post and here I am. I don't know if I was in a stable condition or not, but today, I feel okay. How are you? How's the quarantine so far? As for me, I'm actually enjoying this new normal. Sleeping for 20 hours, baking a lot of cookies, and being lonely. Maybe our normal wasn't normal enough, I guess??? Probably after the pandemic is over, I'll miss my current routine, to stay home and alone, I cherish the moment when I don't have to meet people. Kinda love this introversion vibe.

So, yeah, I've sold cookies since early April this year. Nope, I didn't see it coming, never before. I quit my last job, I even only survived there for two months. It wasn't an emotional decision, I was very convinced. Though, I have to live. I want to eat great food and I got $ 200 expense per month for my medications. I can't be broke, whatsoever, so I try to be an entrepreneur. Well, a small business that is enough to fulfill my needs, just not my wants. Ugh, sometimes I want to try new skincare, buy some pints of gelatos, get a new pair of pajama, but nope, not now.

Turned out, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My friends, my uncle, and some strangers are my customers, some of them even repeat order and it makes me the happiest person on earth. I love a loyal person! It will last for at least a day, yeah, at least I feel happy even just for a while. I wanna quoted my caption on one of my Instagram posts that you can check out here, about failing, about how desperate I was, about what I learned these past two months.

As an amateur baker, I worry about how my cookies will turn out, the look, the taste, the texture, everything, every damn time. Sometimes, I worry too much.⁣
⁣
I never change the recipe, I stick with the same old recipe, even when some people said that it’s too sweet for their liking, I don’t want to make any difference with the texture. I take my cookies seriously like it’s my baby. It is my own baby.⁣
⁣
Last week the drama was intense, I thought that was the worst scenario. Some of my cookies turned out flat, I changed my oven, I even tried to use another type of tools. In the end, I made it to the weekend, still, it was bad..., but guess, I was wrong. Today was a nightmare.⁣
⁣
In the morning, my cookies came out as chubby as my cheek. If I put ‘em in the oven a little bit longer, they went slightly burnt underneath. I’m totally clueless, also a little hopeless and helpless. Of course, I cried. Thank you Atid for recording the bad deed during my fasting today..., and maybe in this whole week.⁣
⁣
Yes, I’m tired, I rant. It’s very overwhelming and I feel like I got too much on my plate. Maybe the Almighty somewhere laughing, “Yo, you weak?” I wanna scream, “Of course, I am!!!”, while singing I Know Alone by HAIM,⁣
‘Cause nights turn into days
That turn to grey⁣
Keep turning over⁣
Some things never grow⁣
I know alone like no one else does⁣
⁣
I’ve done my research, on the internet, from my neighbor (who’s a baker), from my auntie, a thousand trials and errors. I tried to figure out, what’s wrong, what should I do, still..., I’m the dumbest of the dumber dumb.⁣
⁣
After a day full of storms and heavy rains, I made it through today. Well, it’s true that I need a little rainstorm (I said a little, God, please listen) to make a rainbow. I’m not that alone after all, I have Ebo and fully supported by my BEST friends.⁣
⁣
Thank you, Gendis, for hanging on, for another day, for another failure. You failed so many times, but you’re here now. I cherish the struggle and I hope you can always keep the spirit of trying and doing the best within you.⁣
⁣
I try to love me, each day, every day. I love me a little now, maybe a lot more tomorrow.

Damn it's hard to acknowledge my own feelings, moreover when it's full of insecurities and it seems like I doubt almost everything that had happened or will be happened. Have you ever felt that way too? Or am I the only weirdo here? And the depression and anxiety within me, damn man, they hit me hard, like SUPER HARD. It's like a total blankness, but you feel some kind of a weird sensation all over your body, especially when there's someone typing in a chat room and giving me a review about how was my cookies. Some like it, some others don't, but dang (again), I can't face it with calmness. I've talked about this to my therapist, that I can't even think when I relapse, how to clear your mind when everything is chaos? I totally don't get it, but I TRY TO, still, I haven't mastered it.

Anyways, even though I kinda love being a lone wolf, I really miss talking to someone, not a phone call or chat, but face to face. It might be real talk, or else, or maybe just talking shits, but you know, like what was your dream last night or have you tried to kiss a tree, or are you a runner or a slow walker. I don't know, I just miss having someone to talk to and I wanna see her/ him in the eyes, connecting and communicating. That's what. Yup, real human interaction. Actually, I hate to type a lot like this, I prefer to write it down on a letter and maybe send it to my Romeo (or not), but who cares about letter nowadays, anyway? No one.

Ok, enough ranting. Hope to catch up with you soon, whoever you are, whenever and wherever! Stay healthy and stay sane! Peace out.

Filosofi Bunga

Di dunia yang semrawut dan sungguh fana ini, bunga mengajarkanku banyak hal.

Saat aku datang ke pameran Pram satu tahun lalu, sempat diceritakan bahwa beliau membenci bunga semasa hidupnya. Namun, menjelang ajal, Pram tiba-tiba saja menyukai bunga. Entah mengapa, tetapi selain membunuh waktu dengan membakar sampah setiap sore di halaman rumahnya, Pram memilih untuk mengagumi bunga.

Aku selalu menyukai bunga. Bentuk asli, motif bahan, rasa teh, dan segala hal yang berhubungan dengan bunga, aku suka. Apakah karena ada kata Sekar yang disematkan dalam namaku? Aku tak begitu yakin walau nama merupakan doa. Menurutku, bunga bukan hanya tentang keindahan, tetapi lebih dari itu, bunga berfilosofi, tentang kehidupan, tentang menjadi manusia.

Manusia itu seperti bunga;

tumbuh, mekar, diterbangkan angin, menemukan tempat baru,

istirahat, lalu tumbuh lagi.

Begitu seterusnya.

Kita, manusia, tidak pernah berada di situasi yang sama. Perubahan adalah satu-satunya  yang pasti, yang lain adalah semu. Kita bermula dari garis awal yang berbeda, tentu saja, tetapi konteksnya sama. Manusia tumbuh, menemukan hal baru, mengeksplorasi, ingin tahu ini-itu, melebarkan sayap, dan memberi arti. Namun, badai merupakan kemungkinan yang besar untuk terjadi, menerjang kita kian kemari, barangkali hilang arah, dan berujung bingung.

Sampai akhirnya ada tempat baru yang menampung kegelisahan kita. Pengingat yang Ia datangkan, sengaja untuk kita, tentang tujuan, harapan, dan welas asih. Bahwa pelan-pelan itu tidak apa-apa. Kita tidak sedang diburu-buru, selalu masih ada waktu, meski rasanya kesempatan kedua mustahil, percayalah itu hanya ilusi. Proses memang sering terasa membosankan atau bahkan membuat kita ingin menyerah saja. Kadang kuncinya sederhana; menikmati setiap langkah yang kita pilih, baik mudah maupun susah, dan berserah.

Tak ada hal yang lebih damai daripada percaya pada diri sendiri. Mengakui kelemahan yang kita miliki dan memanfaatkan kelebihan yang dianugerahi. Walau begitu, kita tidak pernah sendirian. Tengok ke kanan dan kiri, ada pula yang sedang berjuang untuk tumbuh, berusaha untuk mekar, dalam pencarian tempat berpijak, bernapas sejenak, kemudian mengulang siklus yang sama, tetapi dengan cara yang berbeda.

Tidakkah kamu sadari bahwa kamu sedang berbunga saat ini? Atau bahkan membungai, hidupmu sendiri, yang lain, dan alam raya. Aku kali ini memilih untuk percaya bahwa kita, manusia,  merupakan satu entitas yang sama dengan semesta. Ia tak pernah mengkhianati kita, tetapi memberi, memberi, dan selalu memberi, dengan caranya sendiri, yang tak pernah kita sangka, murni dan suci.

Selamat berbunga, kawan! Tumbuh dan mekar, bersama atau mandiri. Siapa tahu, suatu hari nanti, kita melintas di kosmos yang sama, dan merupa taksu yang sejati.Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
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Strolling Around Blok M

Heya heya!

So, last Saturday, I went for a date with my gurls, Farhah and Icha, to Jakarta. Basically, Icha wanted to try the double-decker tourism bus and Farhah wanted to try MRT. We went to the Museum Nasional bus stop and got a ride there to Juanda, then Bundaran Senayan. Afterward, we took MRT and got off at Blok M station.

Trying to be a hipster, we paid a visit to M Bloc Space. Before, it was a post-colonial style, two-stories PERURI's housing, left neglected for quite a long time. It was also a warehouse and a printing factory. Now, it becomes the center of pop-cultural activity in Jakarta. Yeah, the purpose is to bring back the golden era of Blok M as a young community ecosystem.

The execution is, of course, AMAZING! PT Ruang Riang Milenial, led by Handoko Hendroyono, along with his six best companies; Lance Mengong, Glenn Fredly, Wendi Putrantro, Jacob Gatot Sura, and Mario Sugianto, are the men behind M Bloc Space. Mas Handoko was also the man behind Kebun Ide and Filosofi Kopi. He's definitely an EXPERT in creative branding, have you checked his books? His track record is no doubt. Oh, I can't imagine what's on his mind, truly mind-blowing!

Well, we ate at Mbok Ndoro, one of the restaurants there. A Javanese restaurant, a very humble place, and tasted like home. I ordered nasi merah, sambel tumpang, krecek, oseng mercon, telur dadar, and es gula asem for the drink. Oh, also es grim jowo a.k.a klepon flavored ice cream, I loved it! Foods are heavenly delicious, pricey but worth every penny, it really suits my Javanese palate, a bit spicy with a touch of sweetness in every dish. Overall, satisfying meals.

There are so many interesting places to explore in M Bloc Space, from cafes, local brand shop, gelato, to gigs place. In the back of it, there are some murals for you, photo-hunter, and a little space of garden too. I found eggplant, chili, and hydroponic greens. In the middle of our stroll, we met Snowy! A very lovely dog, fluffy and soft, he likes to smile and very friendly even to strangers. I have a dream when I financially stable, I really want to have a dog, like Snowy! Oh, I can still feel his fur, I can even cuddle with him every second.

Then we walked to the Blok M Square area to get some caffeine intake at Filosofi Kopi, chit-chatting about everything 'cuz we haven't met for months and there were so many things to catch up with. I managed to get myself a namareka pudding from La Mouette. If you haven't tried one, go try it! Heavenly delicious, best purin (Japanese caramel custard pudding) in Jakarta ever!

Almost sunset, golden hour time! We hunted the best spot at Taman Martha Tiahahu and took hundreds of photos lol especially Icha 'cuz when it comes to posing, she's a natural. And it wasn't over yet, at the MRT Station, the photoshoot still continued.

My legs were actually hurt like hell and I couldn't even feel it anymore, but the show must go on. We went to Senayan City to get dinner and rest our feet a little. From 8 am to 8 pm, we walked 14 km and just burned about 400 calories, just one and a half of a piece of martabak HAHA but okay, at least we're having so much fun.

I hope we can still do quality time together 'cuz it will always be a memorable moment to spend time with them. My MVP from college until now. Thank you Icha and Farhah, love you everyday!

Never a Perfect Grey

Hopefully, I'm fully sober when I'm writing this. I just finished watching Someone Great on Netflix and swallowed my antidepressant(s), but okay.

It's 11 pm right now and I'm feeling like I need to pour it right away. These two years sucks. There might be something great that happened, but most of them put me in so much pain that I think I never ever felt before. I lost focus, I don't know how to concentrate, I messed up with my jobs, my social life, I lost myself. I probably disappoint a lot of people, my clients, my latest colleagues, my besties, and of course, my mom. 

You know, I'm trying to be normal and finding what's the root, is it really my childhood trauma or is it just a phase that I need to go through. I'm so very confused, totally clueless. It feels like I care and think too much about everything that I deserved to be called the overthinking-everything goddess, but at the same time, I don't give a damn about everything, I don't care at all, about you, about me, I don't give a shit. I don't even care if I look stupid in front of Descartes.

Do you know how bad it is to feel that kind of torture? Frikkin' hard and everyday feels like a battle to me. It's not me, not the usual me. Well, I know I'll always be the most awkward creature at the party, but this is so wrong. I sought professional help 'cuz self-healing seemed tough for me. I've tried TAT (Tapas Acupressure Technique), but it didn't work out well.

So, I went to a psychologist this mid-year and also a psychiatrist recently. I took medications. I'm actually kinda ashamed of myself by doing this, you know, I was this girl who told everyone, "We are the best healer of our own." I never expect that I gotta be this vulnerable by being depressed and anxious all the time, like what I am right now. I know it's impossible for us, human, to be in the top stage of life every time, but I didn't see it coming, baby.

Lemme tell you, I was always a planner, I plan everything, from A to Z, if one's not working, I got the back-up plan, no worries. And now??? I don't know what my purpose is. I can't even write. I do journaling, but not that routine, still I can't let my mind to be as creative as I used to be. I LOVE TO WRITE AND I LOVE TO READ. Now, not anymore, I still get a passion for it, but I don't know how doing it great. I'm so depressed.

I almost burned out everyday and what I feel is just sadness. Pure and clear sadness, I'm just so sad, I'm sad all the time for the past two years. Yeah, that bad. And crying issa everyday's mood. Mindset is the key and it's not that as easy as one, two, three to get back on track, you know. Though, I give myself time, until this year-end. I need to get up, I failed many times, but I gotta stand tall. I don't have much time, I know, but I'm really willing to do it.

In this situation, it's very difficult to think about the bright side, I can't even feel the sun coming into my life. I feel isolated 'cuz I know I isolated myself, I just don't know anymore how to socialize well. There are people who care about me, they ask whether I'm okay or not, but I always have this feeling that they don't really mean it, you know? Like they're just trying to be polite 'cuz they got their own problems and they do routines. I can't hang my expectations on a living creature, yeah? Wow, now I'm feeling rude, but I'm so alone and lonely.

I still wanna pursue my dream to get my master's degree abroad, financially stable to live on my own, publishing my own book, and oh, eating gelato a pint a day without getting diabetes if that's even possible. When I went to Ubud last month, I felt something spark within me like I felt a little more upbeat about life, maybe I wanna stay and get a job there. I think I need to be in a totally new environment and being a brand new. I still get my savings left, it's not much, but I think I can survive with it.

By everything that happened, I guess I need to live independently. This whole time, 23 years living on this earth, I attached to my mom, never get a chance to be away from her. I don't want to be dependent on her, I know we as humans still need somebody else to live with, but I can depend on her forever. Maybe next year is my year, a leap of faith, to live life as it should be.

"Life,
it's never black or white, it will always be grey, either a light or dark grey,
but never a perfect grey."

To whoever you are who happens to read this, may we all live a meaningful life, we really don't have to inspire others, life's a joke, right? See you in the eternal universe, when we consolidate with the earth, and guessing our next surprise.

Life's a Struggle

Yesterday someone said to me,

"I would've never guessed you've been through what you have,
you carry yourself so well."

and that's when I realized, it's not what happens to you, it's how you handle it.

Life's a Water with Colors

Have I told you that I used to paint with watercolor when I was a kid?

The lovely Farhah

Thank God for Farhah, a very lovely companion of mine from college, we met on August 31st for a watercolor session. She's always been sweet, the type of friend who will give you endless support, no matter if there'll be a tornado hitting you, she'll be there beside you. We started with lunch at my favorite restaurant, Bumbu Pekalongan (their Megono Pincuk and Cumi Item are to die for!), then we headed to the newly opened Starbucks near our campus.

Candid by Farhah

I got frantic at first! I even forgot how to use a paintbrush properly, oh, I actually broke mine (oops). Well, again, Farhah saved me with her paintbrush set. We looked for inspirations on the internet because our surroundings were not supported much (still got a lot of mess everywhere, really a brand new building). Farhah committed to paint a landscape with lake, while I wanted to paint a floral pattern (like always).

But first, selfie!

I felt so good to play with colors, choosing the right one to match with each other, creating shapes, contemplating what we paint, it was therapeutic. Oh, pro tip, wet on wet is an ideal way to paint for a sloppy person like me! I love how easy it is, but it will turn out beautiful! I feel like a pro already when I do it, I'm sure you'll too.

Me and my artwork

Farhah have reminded me to always use watercolor paper to paint with watercolor (like, duh?), but in case you don't know it, right? Unless you want the result to be crumbly, then go on, just use regular paper. There are lots of tutorials on the internet (Thanks to YouTube!) for a watercolor beginner, it will help you a lot when you wanna start to paint. Just like what Ditut and Pinot always said, it's not about the tools and everything fancy, but the willingness to learn, that's what.

Flowers here and there

So, have you painted your life?

Misery

I'm 23 this year.

Source: Monochromated

And I'm still alive.

Secercah Kedoya: Sakit, tapi Gengsi

Hari Rabu lalu saya memutuskan pergi ke kantor tanpa tongkat, agak sombong awalnya, saya yakin bisa dan mampu. Semua berjalan seperti biasa, perjalanan Go-Jek, naik bus, jalan menuju kantor. Tentu masih pincang, kadang rasa sakit muncul tiba-tiba, ngilu di dalam yang rasanya seperti luka belum sembuh.

Sampai menuju malam, kaki saya cenat-cenut dan bengkak sekali. Apalagi setelah berdiri hampir sejam menunggu bus untuk pulang datang, terlebih di dalam bus pun harus berdiri. Semua orang lelah, semua orang ingin duduk. Lagi-lagi saya sombong dan yakin kalau saya bisa kok menumpu beban di kaki kanan saja.

Macet di jalan tol itu pasti, tapi dengan kondisi kaki yang seperti ini, ternyata rasanya jauh lebih sengsara. Dua tangan saya memegang tiang bus erat-erat, sedikit bergetar karena saya nggak tahan, tapi gengsi untuk minta tempat duduk.

Hari Kamis pun saya putuskan untuk kembali menggunakan tongkat. Di bus pun saya diberikan duduk, tapi ada dua bola mata yang sedari tadi menatap tajam, dari seorang perempuan. Saya ingat bahwa kami dalam bus yang sama kemarin malam. Asumsi saya, dia kilas balik ke kemarin malam bahwa saya mampu berdiri dan hari ini saya tiba dengan menggunakan tongkat.

Saya nggak tahu kenapa, tapi pikiran-pikiran buruk langsung menyergap karena tatapan itu tak henti. Seakan menghakimi, itu yang saya rasa. Padahal dengan mengutarakan hal ini, saya pun balik menghakimi perempuan itu, kan? Ah, hal-hal seperti ini, kecil, tapi mengusik.

Saya hanya ingin cepat berlari lagi, melangkah lebih percaya diri lagi. Namun, pelajaran kali ini terasa lama sekali. Menjadi pelan, santai, tidak tergesa-gesa, berapa SKS yang harus saya jalani? Saya adalah pelajar selamanya.

Namun, saya jadi berpikir berulang-ulang setelah pengalaman di atas, kiranya seperti ini:

Tiba-tiba saja, tanpa aba-aba.

Kalau kata Om Candra Darusman *akrab*, “Segala peristiwa yang pernah ada dalam kehidupan merupakan kehendak Tuhan yang Mahamulia. Betapa kuasa Dia dalam menentukan jalan nasib kita yang senantiasa di tangan-Nya.”

Oh, dan Sarah Anne Shockley menuliskan rasa sakit dengan begitu indah. Katanya, sakit adalah bentuk komunikasi alami dari tubuh yaitu aku berbicara dengan diriku sendiri. Ada bagian dariku yang sakit dan meminta perhatianku.

“Pain, then, has become something of a spiritual mentor over time. It has, in the end, taught me how to live more deeply, more authentically, and more wisely. Living with pain has not only helped me understand what really matters most to me in life, but how much I matter to myself.”

Aku rasa, sakit kali ini mengajarkanku bahwa pelan-pelan itu enggak apa-apa, demi hati yang lebih membumi.

Secercah Kedoya: Baca Buku, Masih Zaman?

Hari itu, 27 Februari, saya datang agak pagi, duduk di meja seorang teman yang sedang cuti, dan membaca sebuah buku yang sudah lama dibeli, tetapi belum sempat dibaca. Jihadis Jengkol dan Catatan Lainnya, judulnya, ditulis oleh Arlian Buana.

Sambil bekerja, sesekali saya buka lagi bukunya, minum, dan melakukan hal-hal yang seperti biasanya. Sampai akhirnya seorang kolega datang, melihat saya membaca dan menyeletuk, “Baca beneran atau buat gaya doang, nih? Halah!”

Wow, kaget. Selain kaget beneran karena kehadirannya, kaget juga karena apakah dia sungguh-sungguh bertanya kayak gitu? Akhirnya saya balas, “Haaah?” dengan wajah super cengo.

“Kayaknya sekarang udah nggak ada deh orang yang baca buku, paling buat difoto bareng kopi, lifestyle.” Kali ini kubalas senyum dan, “Tapi itu bukan aku.” Walau saya juga suka foto buku yang dibaca untuk direkomendasikan ke orang lain.

Kemungkinan besar dia memang baru melihat saya membaca buku pada hari itu karena saya duduk di sebelah mejanya. Padahal, ya dari awal masuk, teman setia saya hanya buku. Maklum, membuat percakapan dan memulai pertemenan baru bukan keahlian saya.

Saya heran saja, ternyata masih ada orang yang berpikirian seperti itu. Sungguh, kalau saya ingin bergaya, saya ke kantor pakai kaca mata hitam, bukan membaca buku.

Tidak lama setelah percakapan itu, ia kembali menghampiri, “Kamu suka nggak sih kalau beli baju yang kayak gini?”, seraya memperlihatkan akun toko daring di Instagram, tipikal baju impor Thailand atau Hongkong gitu.

“Oh, enggak, kalaupun suka, pasti nggak ada yang cukup, pasti all size, sedangkan ukuran bajuku L.” Dan jawabannya pasti sudah bisa kalian semua tebak, “Hah? Ukuran baju kamu L? Kurus banget!!!”, diikuti suara tawa yang terngiang-ngiang.

Secercah Kedoya: (Bukan) Bercanda, Neng!

Hari itu tanggal 26 Februari 2019, hari Selasa. Naik Grab-Bike karena punya saldo OVO dan demi promo, tapi saya setia sama Go-Jek sebenarnya, dan mendapat driver dengan inisial R. Dari awal saya naik ke motornya, ia bilang, “Kita lewat sana aja ya, biar muter dulu, lebih lama deh kita di jalan.”

Dalam hati, “ASDFGHJKL!!!!”, yang terlontar, “Ya kali, Pak!” dan dibalas lagi, “Gapapa dong, kan enak kalau lama-lama.” Oh, rasanya saya ingin berkata kasar. Belum lagi ia memundurkan posisi duduknya sehingga lebih mepet dengan badan saya. Untung cepat sadar, saya langsung kasih batas dengan tas dan mendorong sedikit.

Dalam perjalanan yang sangat sebentar itu (terima kasih Tuhan, kantor saya dekat), ia bercerita tentang pekerjaannya yang termakan janji palsu poin-poin dari perusahaan, serta penumpang yang sering memberikan komentar setelah perjalanan selesai. Untuk masalah komentar, no wonder, saya rasanya juga ingin begitu, tapi saya tahan saja atas nama empati, saya masih manusia.

Ketahuilah bahwa kaki saya masih belum bisa berjalan normal sehingga saat saya turun dari motor, saya berjalan dengan pincang, terlebih hari itu saya memilih meninggalkan tongkat di rumah. Keluarlah kata-kata yang sepertinya menggambarkan sang driver dengan lebih baik lagi, “Oalah, pincang!” Nada bicaranya, sungguh, bikin saya jengkel ingin jitak, tapi yang kencang gitu.

Mengapa ya, ada saja orang-orang seperti ini? Mungkin ada yang bilang biasa saja atau, “Ah, itu kan bercanda!” Menurut saya, bercanda yang seperti itu sudah ketinggalan zaman.

A Goal

I never adored clingy woman, neither do I aspired to be one.

Thru the journey that I never expected this year, one thing that I learned best:

Enjoying my time with myself, my loneliness, is one of the ways to live my life consciously.

By time, I am content with or without any companion, but when I am with someone else, or  to be exact: someone special that I love, be respectful of their thoughts, their feelings, and everything in between is a must. I believed I will always be that person who listen rather than talk and that's how I respect you.

The more I suffered this year, the more I realized, to become a principled person is a goal. I started to be that since forever, but it's a process of learning, that's what. I don't have to like what others liked, I don't always have to agree to all things that they liked. Maybe at first it's gonna be confusing, but I just hope that people will sense my principle.

Jatuh Cinta

Malam itu, di suatu distrik bisnis ibu kota, melebur dengan semesta.

:Permulaan

Kaki yang belang akibat suka pakai sepatu terbuka itu dilangkahkan oleh seorang dara di pusat perbelanjaan kawasan Sudirman, satu per satu menuruni anak tangga curam menuju halte bus. Bukan untuk bus, melainkan ojek daring.

Dalam balutan jaket biru gelap bermotif pohon, kelinci, dan bunga: hal-hal yang disukainya, perempuan berkerudung merah muda itu diketahui sedang sendiri, tetapi tidak kesepian. Ponselnya menyala, menampakkan surel yang ia terima tepat kemarin, berisikan tempat rahasia diadakannya sebuah pertunjukan musik.

Ojeknya datang.

:Perjalanan

Sebetulnya hanya terpisahkan jarak 4 km, tetapi terasa lebih jauh karena rekayasa lalu lintas yang berlaku. Jalanan sepi kendaraan bermotor, padahal itu malam Minggu, hanya ramai daun-daun jatuh dan beberapa pikiran yang berjalan di trotoar.

Ia menyusuri kawasan Senayan, lalu Senopati, mesra berdua dengan seorang bapak baik hati yang tahu jalan, sampai akhirnya tiba di distrik bisnis ibu kota yang berputar, memusingkan.

:Pengalaman

Kembali sang dara bersua dengan halte bus di depan sebuah gedung yang memancarkan sejuta warna ke segala penjuru, berseri dan memikat pandang siapa saja yang mendapat anugerah penglihatan karena kilaunya. Kaki belang itu pun menjejaki jalan dengan kanan-kiri pencakar langit sebagai pemandangan, menyeberangi garis hitam putih.

Ia tiba di tujuannya, pertunjukan musik sebagai kencan dengan dirinya sendiri yang sudah lama terabaikan. Perempuan itu memang sering lupa untuk jatuh cinta dengan siapa yang berada di dalam jiwanya, membahagiakan orang lain menjadi lebih nikmat 'tuk dilakukan. Keinginan untuk memeluk setiap relung yang ia sebut sebagai aku menguat erat.

Yura Yunita, Dhira Bongs, Bilal Indrajaya, dan Bedjana. Keempatnya membuat ia terpukau, musik yang disajikan mereka semua membuat telinga siapa pun jatuh cinta. Belum lagi suasana hangat dengan latar gemerlap ibu kota dari ketinggian lantai 25, begitu memanjakan mata, hati, dan pikiran manusia yang berada di sana.

Setelah acara selesai, ia menyapa seorang perempuan berkerudung krem, mengenakan baju hangat berwarna jingga dan celana jin, serta sepatu Vans Checkerboard yang tidak tampak baru.

"Keren banget nggak, sih?"

Itu kata-kata yang terlontar pertama kali dari mulut sang dara. Tadinya ia hampir mengarahkan kalimat itu kepada laki-laki di samping kirinya, tetapi ia terlalu malu untuk berinteraksi dengan lawan jenis. Tak lama, perempuan tadilah yang datang dan duduk di sebelah kanan, namanya Kenni. Kenni menyambut ramah dan terjadilah percakapan menyenangkan antara keduanya.

Sama-sama sedang deactivate media sosial, sering bepergian sendiri, dan menikmati musik malam itu. Keduanya tertawa karena menemukan begitu banyak kesamaan, bercerita lebih banyak lagi tentang diri masing-masing, dan menatap setiap orang yang masih tersisa di dalam ruangan. Sampai akhirnya memutuskan untuk turun karena sudah larut dan waktu menunjukkan untuk pulang.

Ia dan Kenni tidak bertukar nomor telepon atau surel. Sesederhana karena keduanya yakin, bila memang harus dipertemukan kembali, Tuhan yang akan beri jalan untuk bertemu. Berjabat dan melambaikan tangan, Kenni berjalan menuju parkiran dan sang dara berjalan menuju halte tempat ia pertama kali datang.

:Pencerahan

Semilir angin malam tidak terasa menakutkan, tetapi bersahabat dan mengajaknya berpelukan. Ia genggam erat setiap cinta yang ia rasakan. Malam itu, ia merasa penuh dan menyatu tulus dengan bumi. Berjalan sendirian pukul setengah dua belas malam tidak terasa menyeramkan, tetapi melegakan. Ia menikmati dirinya sendiri seutuhnya. Meneteskan beberapa bulir air dari matanya, lalu tersenyum dan tertawa bersama lampu-lampu jalanan.

Doa-doa yang selalu ia panjatkan, entah berapa ribu waktu dan purnama sudah dihabiskan, terbayar malam itu. Ada perasaan plonggg dan membuatnya ingin berkata, "Aaahhhhh". Pelan-pelan, tetapi pasti, ternyata kita adalah apa yang kita percayai. Pemilik semesta dan segala isinya selalu mempunyai cara yang tidak disangka-sangka dan memang sebaik-baiknya tempat berharap.

Sambil menunggu taksi yang agak lama datang, ia menyapa semua makhluk yang ditemuinya, terlihat atau tidak, ia merasa menjadi teman untuk siapa saja. Terlebih, ia akhirnya bisa menjadi teman untuk dirinya sendiri. Segala beban yang ia pikul masih terasa di dada, tetapi malam itu, rasanya ia bisa menaklukkan apa saja. Teringat perkataan seseorang yang pernah ditemuinya di Instagram,

"Kehilangan adalah ilusi karena kita tidak pernah benar-benar memiliki, kita tidak punya apa-apa selain diri kita sendiri."

Siapa yang ia sebut sebagai aku adalah tanggung jawabnya sendiri. Damai didefinisikan dengan memaafkan diri sendiri sepenuhnya. Mengenali, merasakan, mengakui, dan mengizinkan apapun yang ia rasakan, lakukan. Ia sadar, diri sendiri adalah penolong dan penyembuh paling manjur, terutama dengan bantuan dahsyat dari Sang Mahasegalanya.

:Kepulangan

Seorang bapak pengemudi taksi terlihat tua, tetapi tenaganya masih bisa membuat ia menjadi seorang pembalap. Entah, si dara muda merasa ia siap menjemput keabadian saat berada di kursi belakang mobil. Namun, memang bukan saatnya. Mungkin nanti, masih lama atau sebentar lagi. Ia hanya tahu untuk mendengar kisah sang bapak yang harus merelakan waktu dengan keluarganya di Sukabumi terbuang demi pilu pekerjaan di Jakarta.

Dan...

Perihal pulang adalah Ibu. Tujuan dari destinasinya saat ini adalah Ibu. Alasan dari pekerjaan yang tak pernah ia sukai adalah Ibu. Semua hal yang ia lakukan, mencoba memaafkan laki-laki yang sampai kini belum bisa ia jadikan panutan, masakan yang ia sentuh dengan sayang, adalah Ibu. Dulu, kini, nanti, selamanya adalah Ibu.

Ibu telah menjadi caregiver yang paling setia dan selalu mau belajar, terhadap kebimbangan, kebahagiaan, dan segala yang terjadi selama satu tahun penuh perjuangan. Ia bersyukur atas setiap tetes keringat dan air mata yang jatuh setiap malam, cekik penuh ketiba-tibaan dan pukulan dinding selemah pengecut, panas setrika membakar permukaan kulit, setiap sakit dan pahit. Ibu yang membuatnya jatuh cinta lagi pada dirinya sendiri.