Never a Perfect Grey

Hopefully, I'm fully sober when I'm writing this. I just finished watching Someone Great on Netflix and swallowed my antidepressant(s), but okay.

It's 11 pm right now and I'm feeling like I need to pour it right away. These two years sucks. There might be something great that happened, but most of them put me in so much pain that I think I never ever felt before. I lost focus, I don't know how to concentrate, I messed up with my jobs, my social life, I lost myself. I probably disappoint a lot of people, my clients, my latest colleagues, my besties, and of course, my mom. 

You know, I'm trying to be normal and finding what's the root, is it really my childhood trauma or is it just a phase that I need to go through. I'm so very confused, totally clueless. It feels like I care and think too much about everything that I deserved to be called the overthinking-everything goddess, but at the same time, I don't give a damn about everything, I don't care at all, about you, about me, I don't give a shit. I don't even care if I look stupid in front of Descartes.

Do you know how bad it is to feel that kind of torture? Frikkin' hard and everyday feels like a battle to me. It's not me, not the usual me. Well, I know I'll always be the most awkward creature at the party, but this is so wrong. I sought professional help 'cuz self-healing seemed tough for me. I've tried TAT (Tapas Acupressure Technique), but it didn't work out well.

So, I went to a psychologist this mid-year and also a psychiatrist recently. I took medications. I'm actually kinda ashamed of myself by doing this, you know, I was this girl who told everyone, "We are the best healer of our own." I never expect that I gotta be this vulnerable by being depressed and anxious all the time, like what I am right now. I know it's impossible for us, human, to be in the top stage of life every time, but I didn't see it coming, baby.

Lemme tell you, I was always a planner, I plan everything, from A to Z, if one's not working, I got the back-up plan, no worries. And now??? I don't know what my purpose is. I can't even write. I do journaling, but not that routine, still I can't let my mind to be as creative as I used to be. I LOVE TO WRITE AND I LOVE TO READ. Now, not anymore, I still get a passion for it, but I don't know how doing it great. I'm so depressed.

I almost burned out everyday and what I feel is just sadness. Pure and clear sadness, I'm just so sad, I'm sad all the time for the past two years. Yeah, that bad. And crying issa everyday's mood. Mindset is the key and it's not that as easy as one, two, three to get back on track, you know. Though, I give myself time, until this year-end. I need to get up, I failed many times, but I gotta stand tall. I don't have much time, I know, but I'm really willing to do it.

In this situation, it's very difficult to think about the bright side, I can't even feel the sun coming into my life. I feel isolated 'cuz I know I isolated myself, I just don't know anymore how to socialize well. There are people who care about me, they ask whether I'm okay or not, but I always have this feeling that they don't really mean it, you know? Like they're just trying to be polite 'cuz they got their own problems and they do routines. I can't hang my expectations on a living creature, yeah? Wow, now I'm feeling rude, but I'm so alone and lonely.

I still wanna pursue my dream to get my master's degree abroad, financially stable to live on my own, publishing my own book, and oh, eating gelato a pint a day without getting diabetes if that's even possible. When I went to Ubud last month, I felt something spark within me like I felt a little more upbeat about life, maybe I wanna stay and get a job there. I think I need to be in a totally new environment and being a brand new. I still get my savings left, it's not much, but I think I can survive with it.

By everything that happened, I guess I need to live independently. This whole time, 23 years living on this earth, I attached to my mom, never get a chance to be away from her. I don't want to be dependent on her, I know we as humans still need somebody else to live with, but I can depend on her forever. Maybe next year is my year, a leap of faith, to live life as it should be.

"Life,
it's never black or white, it will always be grey, either a light or dark grey,
but never a perfect grey."

To whoever you are who happens to read this, may we all live a meaningful life, we really don't have to inspire others, life's a joke, right? See you in the eternal universe, when we consolidate with the earth, and guessing our next surprise.