Painful

"One word to describe 2019, what is it?"

A friend of mine asked me that question last week, I confidently said, "Painful."

Yes, it is the word that describes this year best, though I'm so good at faking my smiles.

We never hung out before, it was our first time, and I really enjoyed her company. Of course, I asked her back, she said, "Challenging." I've seen some Instagram stories that said that word so much, whether it's about career, love, friendship, or yeah, just life itself. I'm so lucky to witness some of my friends' journey, how they began, until one by one they accomplished things they've been waiting for. It becomes my happiness too.

I thought 2018 was the hardest year of my life 'cuz years before filled with flowers, but not last year. Until this year, man, every day I had to face a different kind of battle, it hurts. Officially diagnosed that I have depression and anxiety disorder, I see no light, all I can see is darkness. So, it's not about how I go through nightmares every night, how I experience replay flashbacks, or how my childhood or my past affect me, those can be the trigger, but it's all because of the illness. This writing says it all.

I am at war with myself and tears are my best friend.

So, I take medications (tbh, it's tiring) to heal the errors on my brain and I also go for psychotherapy once a month to help me manage my mindset, on the psychological side. Most of the time, I feel blue. Isolating myself in my blanket, avoiding face to face meetings, also crying like a river. I feel an emptiness within my soul and just being numb. I once asked my psychiatrist, "I feel like I'm a sponge, I absorb people's feelings or emotions, is that what's so-called empathy?"

"Set boundaries and seek balance, Gendis. Don't let yourself become the subject of other people's emotions. Remember, you gotta help yourself first before you help others."

Oh, there are two articles that might need to be read by everyone (I guess??? 'cuz life isn't always what it seems), titled Stop Helping Everyone and Trauma is Not Your Fault, but Healing is Your Responsibility. I promise it will worth it to spend your time for some mins and read it carefully.Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
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